I been wanting to type this since Sunday, but for some reason kept stopping myself. I thought recalling it would mean i’m dwelling, when really I just want to be rid of over thinking it. I suppose dwelling and over thinking are same to same…oh well.
So Sunday, get home after a sleep over at cousin’s, lovely lunch, trip out to local area of interest to do a risk assessment for a school tip. All in all, a good day. Tea, pray…quick nap.
Weird dream nap.
My eldest sister, middle sister and I are sharing a house, our bedrooms are jam packed with wardrobes and suitcases and you cannit even see the floor to tell if its carpet or laminate.
I receive a letter from the local council saying my application to adopt has been approved and I am being given a set of twins to adopt and they will arrive the next day. All of sudden, ex law MIL and SIL are there saying stuff like “how she can afford twins, where is she going to put them?”
No one responds to them, instead, middle sister says “we have to just start getting rid of this stuff, buy some baby things and it’ll be fine.”
Middle sister and I start clearing things away and putting them in the attic (I don’t have an attic, in fact, I don’t even know whose house I am supposed to be, it’s random). My eldest sister is all “NO, nothing goes into the attic, it all needs to be dismantled, broken up, torn apart and hoyed oot!”
I panic. I can again hear ex law SIL saying to Ex law MIL “she’s going to get paid £200 a week per child, she’s thought it all through.”
Again, no one responds to them, instead the rooms are being cleared and my middle sister is deciding which twin will sleep in the cot in her room and i’m telling my relatives which prams and baby cribs to buy for me.
I woke up, a little sweaty actually thinking “I wonder what this means?”
Obviously we still analyse everything to its death…but in a non destructive way now.
It wasn’t until a conversation with a friend last night that I was able to reflect upon this dream without thinking “WHY WERE THEY IN IT??!!”
I need to let go of the baggage to accept something great.
I fully believe Allah SWT is waiting for me to stop dwelling, replaying old conversations and recalling even the slightest memories. Although I don’t share with anything but Him, He’s probably getting bored of me now too. I think im getting bored of me.
I have accepted that perhaps I am not meant to be a mother, no matter what my uterus tells me every time it sees an infant, but this something great that’s waiting for me…I need to be ready for it. I want to be ready for it.
The 28th of June was the 2 year anniversary of him kicking me out of the house after the silly argument that started it all.
I know its the 4th of July now, but I actually cant even remember what I was doing on the 28th of June and if I even thought of him. I’v just had to count back to what day it was. The lass who remembers what percentage battery she had the night she “fell in love” with him, forgot the day she was left homeless in Ramadan, no where but her car to live.
I don’t have a closing statement. Just that its time to pray and I need to finish typing reports. Yay.