Dear Baggage

I been wanting to type this since Sunday, but for some reason kept stopping myself. I thought recalling it would mean i’m dwelling, when really I just want to be rid of over thinking it. I suppose dwelling and over thinking are same to same…oh well.

So Sunday, get home after a sleep over at cousin’s, lovely lunch, trip out to local area of interest to do a risk assessment for a school tip. All in all, a good day. Tea, pray…quick nap.

No.

Weird dream nap.

My eldest sister, middle sister and I are sharing a house, our bedrooms are jam packed with wardrobes and suitcases and you cannit even see the floor to tell if its carpet or laminate.

I receive a letter from the local council saying my application to adopt has been approved and I am being given a set of twins to adopt and they will arrive the next day. All of sudden, ex law MIL and SIL are there saying stuff like “how she can afford twins, where is she going to put them?”

No one responds to them, instead, middle sister says “we have to just start getting rid of this stuff, buy some baby things and it’ll be fine.”

Middle sister and I start clearing things away and putting them in the attic (I don’t have an attic, in fact, I don’t even know whose house I am supposed to be, it’s random). My eldest sister is all “NO, nothing goes into the attic, it all needs to be dismantled, broken up, torn apart and hoyed oot!”

I panic. I can again hear ex law SIL saying to Ex law MIL “she’s going to get paid £200 a week per child, she’s thought it all through.”

Again, no one responds to them, instead the rooms are being cleared and my middle sister is deciding which twin will sleep in the cot in her room and i’m telling my relatives which prams and baby cribs to buy for me.

I woke up, a little sweaty actually thinking “I wonder what this means?”

Obviously we still analyse everything to its death…but in a non destructive way now.

It wasn’t until a conversation with a friend last night that I was able to reflect upon this dream without thinking “WHY WERE THEY IN IT??!!”

I need to let go of the baggage to accept something great.

I fully believe Allah SWT is waiting for me to stop dwelling, replaying old conversations and recalling even the slightest memories. Although I don’t share with anything but Him, He’s probably getting bored of me now too. I think im getting bored of me.

I have accepted that perhaps I am not meant to be a mother, no matter what my uterus tells me every time it sees an infant, but this something great that’s waiting for me…I need to be ready for it. I want to be ready for it.

The 28th of June was the 2 year anniversary of him kicking me out of the house after the silly argument that started it all.

I know its the 4th of July now, but I actually cant even remember what I was doing on the 28th of June and if I even thought of him. I’v just had to count back to what day it was. The lass who remembers what percentage battery she had the night she “fell in love” with him, forgot the day she was left homeless in Ramadan, no where but her car to live.

I don’t have a closing statement. Just that its time to pray and I need to finish typing reports. Yay.

Dear Nothing

I’ve been meaning to blog for weeks. I don’t actually remember what about though.

The election?
The fact that some of my work colleagues voted for the Conservatives just because they couldn’t be bothered to research any other party.

London attacks?
The fact that I now fear being out in public alone.

Grenfell?
Just no words.

Finsbury?
Actually cant with words.

Nabra Hassanen?

Im in the “Adulting is hard” phase of the month right now, when tears sound better than words.

On a brighter note, I’ve managed to keep 25 consecutive fasts for the first time in forever. The last 2 days have been hard due to the heat, a sore thoart and 30 kids just not being friends, but Alhamdulillah, the rest of the month has been great. I hope mother nature stays away till Eid. I would much rather keep all 29 or 30 than make any up as I’m not so good at that :/

I’ve sorted committed to going to the birth city for Eid if it falls on Sunday, but really I just want to visit the crematorium, all the people worth visiting are there (sorrynotsorrysiblings).

P.S Rocket ice lollies for sehri is not the best of ideas, but do it anyway.

Dear Productivity

I’m pretty sure everyone will agree to doing the same, but I really am awful at this.

Every Friday I will say to my brain;
Tonight you will mark learning or laminate.
Saturday you will clean the flat, go shopping and visit people.
Sunday you will plan and make resources for the whole week.

Friday night comes and my body does this:
Flop on the sofa and watch silly YT vids and call one of the siblings and retell the same stories we did last time we spoke.

Saturday comes I physically cant open my eyes before 9am
I need two very strong cups of tea just to wake up
I do actually clean my flat
I do nothing else but potter around all day as I think I have Sunday.

Sunday arrives and im grumpy, anxious and just knackered from not doing owt.

It’s actually quite depressing that when I had zero time to myself I managed to get EVERYTHING done.

Friday nights all my laminating (Reception teachers laminate everything, its just the way it is) and marking was done. I did used to fall asleep on the floor at around 1am or until the exhole realised I wasn’t in bed and would come downstairs to shout at me.

Saturday I was up at 7am, in town or Sainsburys by 9am and back home by 10am, I would sneak back into bed as I would get shouted at for waking up early to do the jobs I wouldn’t have time to do as I had to spend all weekend at his mother’s house sitting or not sitting on the sofa. The rest of the morning was spent cleaning and Saturday evening was spent doing school work.

Sundays were cooking for Monday & Tuesday, finishing school work and the rest of the day at his mother’s. Sunday night was trying not to fall asleep at 6pm as exhole would realise we hadn’t spent any time together all weekend (we didn’t speak to each other at his mother’s house as his sister didn’t like it) and would try and want to take me for a long drive where we would either argue about stuff or I would take my iPad with me so I could finish my observations.

Now, self worth would tell me my weekends now are better.

However, my brain tells me I am lazy and wasteful of the time I do have.

Cannit win!

I’ve got till 5pm to get planning and assessments done today.

5pm is Asda shopping as they have emoji sticklers which I need for school, and they are the only supermarket near me to sell halal marshmallows so I can make rocky road to take to my cousin’s house tomorrow.

Yes, I have an outing planned! My cousin’s kids are lovely and I can’t wait to see them…even though they do call me ‘Aunty’ 😦

I best get cracking.

Maybees another tea first.

Oh and Saturday is for eating ALL the food I have cos you know, school work wont get done unless I eat, eat and eat.

Cannit wait for Ramadhan. 🙂

Dear Priority

I’m trying, I really am.

Oh, erm, my last entry was sort of a mistake, I actually typed it back in Opal fruit days…(December 2016). WordPress kept showing me ‘publish now’ as it was in drafts and I may have (well I did) accidently published it.

It’s angry. I didn’t want to be angry anymore. I wont lie, I sometimes still feel angry when thinking about that time…but it’s all over.

Literally over.

I left.

Bullying
Stint in A&E
Useless union
Horrible bosses
Mean parents

Not good.

I ended up moving city too.

If youse don’t believe in accepting when to close a door, you really aught to.

Back in Feb (6th) I decided to quit my job, I walked in to the head teacher’s office and told him I didn’t feel safe at work or at home and I had to leave, I even said I was thinking of applying for jobs in the middle east…(tried before, got a job but fate got me married instead). I was ready to live off of my savings and take another sabbatical. It felt peaceful.

The very next day I received a text from a previous head teacher asking if I would ever consider coming back to work in her school as the Reception teacher was moving to Europe. I replied “In a heart beat”.

Fast forward to now (2nd May), I live in a lovely new flat with my own car parking space right next to my cousin and am working in the school that always felt like home.

This school was my safe place…where I went to be heard, hugged, valued and basically be myself during an awful time (the marriage).

It actually felt like coming home. Parents, staff, cleaners…even governors told me how glad they were that I was back.

Alhamdulillah I feel at peace. I will forever pray my peace always lasts, but I know that even if it doesn’t last, Allah swt knows and has my back.

Make Him your priority and He will open doors you thought were closed forever.

Alhamdulliah X eleventy billion

Dear Intimidating

I shouldn’t actually be blogging right now as i’m quite emotional but I know if I don’t type it all away now i’ll have a sleepless night fretting over the nonsense im about to type.

Today I was told I am not liked by certain people at work due to the fact that they find me intimidating as i’m good at my job.

Firstly, im not good at my job, I try my best. Sometimes it’s a great day, sometimes it’s a rotten day.

Secondly, JOG ON!

I’v been far too passive for far too long. If you have a problem with my work ethic, you need to sort yourself out, not me.

I cannot and will not change how I work to please you, or should I say, to stroke your ego that tells you that someone else doing their job is in some way a reflection of how you do your job.

I’m not on show for you to watch how I conduct my professional abilities.

I teach 6 year olds for goodness sake!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARGH!

Morals, values, being a good role model…thts it! Thats all I do and O M G if you dont see that, then go Specsaves. I have no

Dear Analysis Paralysis

Finally found a ‘technical term’ to describe my life!

Did not sleep a wink last night, out of anxiety I guess.

I even woke up for night prayers and kept a fast thinking i’d be tired enough to sleep…nowt.

I did not turn to crying myself to sleep though…something I most definitely have left in the past (I hope).

I contacted my union today due to work related issues which are actually stressing me out just thinking about them.

The union rep asked me to confirm which school I work for and then more or less told me that I couldn’t do anything about the issue as it happened before I was a member of the union (I only just joined 2 weeks ago).

She then said ‘May be a fresh start for you elsewhere is the way forward.’

I found this to be highly patronising and more or less insinuating that I am at fault.

I replied quite quickly without really thinking it through.

” I should have spoken out, however I was afraid of the ramifications of speaking out as people value and err on the side of loyalty over what is right and wrong, as is the case with current affairs around the world right now.

We talk about humanity and changing the world but are quiet when changing things that are affecting us in our day to day lives. I agree that a fresh start is necessary, however I am afraid for my colleague who still works there as neither myself nor my colleague have caused harm to anyone in that school or failed to perform our jobs to the best of our abilities as required by the teacher standards.”

She didn’t respond.

Perhaps I wasn’t clear enough, as I really thought the incident I asked advice about would cause her some shock and dismay too.

No such thing as empathy remember. How naively I forget the world im actually living in.

It made me question who is actually there for teachers. Senior leaders are all about ticking Ofsted boxes and molly coddling parents at ALL costs, teachers basically deprive themselves of an existence for the students in their class and unions (in my one encounter) prefer to brush things under the carpet as we ‘keep calm and carry on’.

I wish I were good at something else.

Seriously.

Dear Forgotten

Last week was my one year divorce anniversary and I actually forgot all about it. Not intentionally or owt, but didnt think about it, him, them, my life or progress. Instead I was booking a trip abroad and watching an X-Men movie I had also forgotten I had already seen before.

We could say the onset of my 35th year on this earth has caused my memory to deteriorate rapidly, or we could say Alhamdulillah and repeat x eleventy million.

I think it’s time for a new blog.

Iv been wanting to make a proper one for a while now and make it more public.

Let’s think on it for a while longer though. I just wanted to get to a point where I trust Allah Swt so much that He ensures I’m too busy working on me to dwell on the past.

 

Alhamdulillah

Alhamdulillah

Alhamdulillah